We here at thebrig.org have decided to put our dedicated and very talented team of engineers, computer scientists, lawyers, and marketing experts to good use. The result of weeks of dedicated research and unethical experimentation on our gaming comrades is this first installment of thebrig.org’s Beneficial Development Series: Facial Fitness.

Note: that our development team lacks any expertise in the matters of human health. Consult your physician or local gaming guru before deciding to implement any of the persona/lifestyle recommendations found herein.

Typically, as a younger person gamer ages, their face, which has seldom been exposed to actual daylight and baked daily by electromagnetic radiation emitted from their HDTV, develops premature age spots and wrinkles. This represents a further hindrance to the ‘below average’ gamer’s ability to attract the opposite sex. Having lacked the ability to impress a possible mate with their ‘pro’ gaming skillz, they are now at a further deficit due to theft of their attractive appearance.

This unsightly phenomenon of facial degeneration can be remedied through a variety of procedures such as:

· Extensive preventative measures including but not limited to the lifelong application of expensive facial crèmes and ointments

· Reactive measures such as (ungodly) expensive laser procedures and/or face lifts and face transplants

· Donning a mask; typically one depicting your favorite superhero or role model. Some of the most popular models include:

However, there are several expressed downsides to wearing a mask (no matter how cool it is), these include the negative attention that a mask can attract in western culture, and the failure of any mask (excluding Spiderman and the Master Chief) to hide unsightly eye wrinkling.

We realize that it is a dedicated gamer’s responsibility to save up for that new next-gen console or that soon to be released and highly-coveted game, so we at thebrig.org have developed a complete Facial Fitness routine that will cost no more than $3 US (or your currency equivalent) a week, yet protect you from any sort of facial degeneration.

The following 5-step plan will ensure you look beautiful maintain your current attractiveness forever.

You are once again reminded that our highly technical team of lawyers, engineers, computer scientists, and marketing experts has no human heath experience – however we do have substantial gaming experience.

Step 1: Buy a value pack of sugar-free chewing gum every week from your local grocery outlet. Be sure to chew gum every time you game. The natural action of chewing exercises the muscles of the cheek, jaw, lips, and upper neck. This repetitive action will lead to muscle development in these areas and will cause the healthy constriction of skin, preventing wrinkle development or enhancement. The increased blood flow resulting from new blood vessel formation (which accompanies muscle development) in these areas will ensure that your skin remains healthy and that no aging spots develop. Please note that constantly eating food while gaming will achieve the same facial fitness as gum chewing, however, by chewing sugar free gum you can help prevent your eventual transformation into a grossly obese land monster.

Step 2: Freak Out and laugh when appropriate! Shout, scream, and voice your opinion at hackers, cheaters, modders, and dishonorable backstabbing teammates. Do not tame yourself if you lack a mic and they cannot hear you, or if it’s simply an AI you’re playing against. The action of being upset causes the entire face to distort through the exhaustive use of almost every muscle in the face. Flaring the nostrils is also beneficial. This can be done through reckless panting or snorting. Game rage and game joy exercise the lips, cheeks, jaw line, nose, and forehead.

Step 3: Play video games next to a window or outside, keeping in mind that appropriate shading is required for the television. The value of vitamin D cannot be ignored in the effort to develop healthy skin. If you do game outside, apply sunscreen even when the sun is not directly visible due to cloud cover. UV ray damage can accelerate wrinkle development and visible aging; and let’s face it; you can’t afford to accelerate your facial degeneration.

Step 4: Engage in multiplayer gaming as often as possible. The best results in our study on wrinkle development were achieved during endless hours of alcohol consumption and Halo 2 matchmaking gaming. These variables when combined seemed to offer a dramatic increase in the number of “Freak-outs” causing accelerated facial muscle development. Note: Getting into fistfights over gaming (when punches in the face are involved) can negate any benefit resulting from ‘controlled’ freak-outs.

Step 5: Do not hang weights off your face. Facial tattoos, numerous piercings (up to three seems to have no effect), and botox injections change the natural mass of your face. By placing an increased non-design mass into your face, you may be placing yourself at increased risk for accelerated facial degeneration. Additionally, the application of these three items to your face may impede your ability to distort your face when experiencing game rage, thereby preventing your facial fitness development.

That’s it for this installment in our Beneficial Development Series.
Safe Gaming, good luck, stay beautiful, and get those noobs.

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This entry was posted on Friday, June 16th, 2006 at 2:28 pm and is filed under Business. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.